Better Than Me
by Aisling Aine
Summary: Glimpses of Harry and Draco's past, more recent past, and present. Set around Hinder's Better Than Me From Draco's point of view.


Disclaimer: Harry Potter and all associated characters belong to JK Rowling, and her publishers. 'Better Than Me' belongs to Hinder. I don't own anything and I don't claim to. No money is being made from this, and no infringement is intended. I'm just having fun!

AN: Now LISTEN UP! This is important. Non-readers of this author's note may find themselves lost, if they don't simply give up out of confusion. This is a song fic to "Better than Me" by Hinder. The scenes jump back and forth between scenes from the past, nearer past, and present in NO SET ORDER, though distinguishing between what is generally past and what is present shouldn't be too difficult. It probably seems fractured and broken and very confused--I assure you it's supposed to be that way. If you have any questions you would like answered I'd be happy to answer them.Also, the fic will be much more effective if you have some way of listening to the song while you read it. If I haven't scared you away, by all means continue. Italics denote the story. Plain text is the song.

(I'm gonna be original here and call it--) Better Than Me.

_'He's so cold'_

I think you can do much better than me

_"I'd like you to meet the newest member of the Order of the Phoenix." the Headmaster's eyes were twinkling while shocked gasps erupted from the rest of the assembly. He had one hand resting in a position of support on the shoulder of none other than Draco Malfoy. Only two others didn't seem upset by this development._

_"But--but he's a _Death Eater_!" Ron Weasley stuttered. He appeared to be suffering from an acute case of apoplexy. The room exploded, most of the angry/confused questions directed at Dumbledore_

_But Draco had eyes for only one person. Gray eyes locked with green for a minute that stretched into eternity. Everything Draco wanted to communicate he willed into his gaze and hoped against hope that the other would understand._

_Ever so slowly, a smile curved Harry's lips. Then he turned to his irate friend, trying futilely to calm the redhead._

_Draco's knees did not collapse from relief. _

_No matter how much they wanted to._

After all the lies that I made you believe

_"What do you mean?"_

_Draco had to turn away from the bewildered eyes of his lover. He resumed packing, the activity Harry had interrupted him from in the first place. "I mean exactly what I said, Potter. I'll be joining my father this afternoon."_

_He couldn't see, but he knew Harry had jerked at the sound of his surname. Draco hadn't called him that in private for five months now. _

_"But you can't-- I thought..." _

_Draco had had enough. "You thought what?!" he exploded, turning around once again. Harry flinched but didn't back down. 'Stupid Gryffindor.'_

_He shuddered. "I thought what we had _meant_ something to you! I thought we--"_

_Draco's eyes narrowed. He stalked forward, satisfied when Harry took a step back, connecting solidly with the door. He leaned in close, savoring the other boy's shiver when he whispered in his ear. "But it did mean something, Harry. You were the best fuck I've ever had," he stepped back, and continued coldly, "However, you're more naive than I ever imagined if you honestly believed I'd give up my family and my principles for the sake of a piece of arse. No matter _how_ good it was." _

_Draco turned again, effectively dismissing the dark haired boy. He heard one harsh sob, before Harry seemed to get ahold of himself. The blond was relieved. He really hated it when people cried around him. Then came the sound of the door opening._

_Harry's voice was soft, and tight. "I never expected you to give up anything for 'a piece of arse,' Draco. I thought maybe if I...if I loved you enough I could save you from making the biggest mistake of your life. It was _my _mistake for thinking there was anything _to_ save, I suppose. Have a nice life, Malfoy,"_

_When he heard the door close gently, echoing louder than any slam, Draco sank onto the edge of his bed and buried his hands in his hair. _

_'I _am_ doing the right thing. I _am_.' he thought fiercely. _

_He had to believe that or he'd have to admit to just letting go of the best thing that'd ever happened to him. And if he admitted that it just might kill him._

Guilt kicks in and I start to see  
The edge of the bed  
Where your nightgown used to be

_"What is this, Potter?" Draco had to consciously keep the confusion out of his voice and expression as he observed his...(boyfriend? lover?) Harry._

_The other boy looked over his shoulder from the wardrobe and shot Draco a grin. "I just figured that since I stay over here so often, I might as well leave some of the necessities. It's not like you don't have enough room Mr. Head Boy,"_

_Draco's eyebrows had reached new heights on his forehead, but he refrained from saying anything. Harry did stay over rather often, after all, and it would be more practical this way._

_Then he spied something ugly and flannel on the far side of his four-poster and lifted it between his thumb and forefinger. The ugly might have been contagious, after all. "And what is _this_?" he asked, holding out the offending garment._

_It seemed that Harry had finished rearranging _his_ wardrobe, because he turned completely around. "Pajamas. Merlin, Malfoy, they're not going to bite you!" he said, laughing at the blond's wrinkled nose._

_"Oh, I know, Potter," he said, casually tossing the article to the floor. "Seems a bit pointless, though,"_

_Harry frowned. "Not everyone has to have everything made out of the finest material, you pouf. It's comfortable and I like it so you can just... What?" Draco was shaking his head slowly._

_"While it _is_ somewhat lacking in quality and asthetics, that's not what I meant."_

_"Then what...?"_

_The look Draco shot at the green eyed boy then was unmistakably lascivious. His voice dropped to the smoky croon he knew made Harry shiver. "I was thinking it was utterly pointless for you to bring pajamas when we always end up sleeping naked."_

_Draco almost laughed when Harry blushed a rather endearing shade of pink._

_His embarrassment didn't stop the dark haired boy from scowling. "Now see here you pompous..." Whatever epithet he was going to say was swallowed by Draco's mouth, and just like always, Harry melted completely into the kiss._

_The pajamas weren't needed that night, and Draco burned them at the earliest possible opportunity._

I told myself I won't miss you

_"Damn you Harry! I don't need you! I _never_ needed you! I _hate _you!" he screamed as he slammed his fist into the wall with a sick crunching sound. _

_He might even have believed it if not for the twin rivers burning tracks down his pale face._

_"I hate you," he whispered again, brokenly. "I hate you for making me need you,"_

But I remember  
What it feels like beside you

_They were surrounded. The ambush had backfired, with the Death Eaters obviously having been ready for them. _

_Someone had betrayed them._

_Draco fought his way to the center of the battle, firing curses almost absently. Only one thought was making it through his panic stricken mind--'Get to Harry,'_

_Someone crashed into him, sending them both to the frozen ground as a green light flashed by overhead. The Killing Curse then. Draco looked up to thank his rescuer only to meet eyes the same color as the curse he'd been saved from. "Harry," he breathed, relief stealing his breath. The moment stretched on, then they both came back to themselves and scrambled to their feet. The middle of battle was no time for tender moments._

_They stood back to back shooting curses and moving as one, as they once had in more intimate settings. Finally, they ducked behind a building and as Draco tried to catch his breath he watched his former lover, now comrade, do the same. Harry's eyes seemed to be lit from within by a fierce light. As their gazes met again, a savage smile swept across the smaller boy's face. Here, in the thick of the danger, Harry was in his element, dreams aside. _

_He was sexy as fucking hell, too._

_Before he could think about it, Draco had seized the other boy's mouth in a kiss every bit as savage as his smile had been, filled with all the passion the blond had been patiently holding back in his efforts to win Harry back. Harry kissed back just as fiercely, and when he pulled awau blood was smeared on his mouth. Whether his own or Draco's it was impossible to tell._

_"When this is over we're going to talk," Draco said, as breathless as he'd been a moment before._

_Harry lunged in for another hard kiss. "When this is over we're going to _fuck_. Then we can talk."_

_"I'm amendable to that," _

_"I knew you would be," Harry flashed one more grin, before he ducked back out into the fray. Draco followed half a second later._

_A battle may not have been the place for tender moments, but passionate ones were quite appropriate, it seemed. Draco fought harder and with more purpose than he had been. _

_He had much to look forward to after this stupid bloody fight._

While looking through your old box of notes  
I found those pictures I took  
That you were looking for

_The first thing he did when he got back to his room was drop his cold, indifferent mask. The second thing he did was vomit. _

_After vanishing the mess, he fell weakly onto his bed, holding back the tears of despair by force of will alone. With shaking hands he reached under his bed and pulled out the tiny box he kept there out of sight from his mother, father, and the house elves._

_Removing the lid, he lifted out its precious treasures, settling them around him. A few notes they'd passed in Potions when the sadistic professor had decided to pair them together; the infinity serpent pendant Harry had given him for Christmas; the Snitch Harry had secretly lifted after he won the Gryffindor-Slytherin game and later given to Draco._

_And then the pictures. Some Harry knew about, some he didn't. The ones of them having sex that it had taken Draco two full weeks of coaxing and cajoling to get Harry to agree to participate in. Even then he'd blushed nearly all the way through, and refused to even look at them afterward. Then there were the few Colin Creevey had taken in Hogsmeade without their knowing, of he and Harry in every day poses--holding hands and walking, laughing with one another, kissing, and a single one of Harry leaning against a tree with Draco's head in his lap and the soppiest expressions on their faces. Colin had given the pictures to a blushing Harry with the promise not to tell a soul. Later, Draco had got the negatives--in a much less innocuous fashion._

_The last set were the ones Harry didn't know about. After the pornographic photo session, Harry had fallen asleep, and Draco had used the last of the film to capture him in slumber. The best one was of the dark haired boy curled up with his hand under his cheek and his other arm wrapped around his middle, a sated, unconscious smile on his kiss-swollen lips. _

_Draco stared at it for a long time, for the first time the full import of _what that picture meant _hitting him. That he'd even been able to take it all--that Harry had fallen asleep while _he_ was fully awake._

_'He trusted me. He trusted me enough to be at his most vulnerable in my presence.'_

_'I am an idiot'_

If there's one memory I don't want to lose  
That time at the mall  
You and me in the dressing room

_"Draco! What are you doing?!" came Harry's startled hiss. _

_He'd slipped the younger boy a note, telling him to be at Gladrags at a certain time. Draco had seen him waiting boredly, looking through the racks with a distinct lack of enthusiasm to appease the suspicious sales lady. Draco had waited until Harry ventured close to his hiding spot before reaching out and pulling him into the dressing room. He stifled a smirk, knowing his struggling lover wouldn't appreciate it._

_"Waiting for you," he purred into Harry's neck, inhaling the scent he'd become addicted to in the past months._

_Harry finally stopped struggling, but still held his body stiffly and crossed his arms in front of him forcing Draco back a bit. "You could have warned me," he said petulantly._

_Draco grinned, feeling a bit giddy. Here he was in _public_ having a secret tryst with his lover. His _forbidden_ lover. _

_Few things he'd encountered were more exciting. Or more lunatic._

_So Draco followed through with his insanity to its logical conclusion and dropped to his knees in front of Harry, whose eyes and mouth immediately gaped in surprise. "What--?"_

_Mustering as serious an expression he could under the circumstances, Draco looked up and said, "I'm going to suck you off now. Right here in a dressing room at Gladrags. Warning enough?"_

_Harry blinked at him, mouth opening and closing several times before he seemed to decide that there simply weren't adequate words to respond to _that

_Instead he nodded. _

_Draco grinned again and happily got to work. _

The bed I'm lying in is getting colder

_"Would you join me for a cup of tea, Mr. Malfoy?"_

_Draco turned around at the dulcet voice of Albus Dumbledore. While the twinkle was conspicuously absent from them, his blue eyes were still kind._

_Draco turned back to the still form on the bed. The dark hair was a stark contrast to the white bedclothes and gray skin. There wasn't a hint of color anywhere on him, and Draco had long since started praying--out of both worry and encroaching hysteria--for the eyes to open so that they could lend a bit of goddamn color to the room._

_"I can't," he finally said in a voice that was little more than a whisper._

_"He will still be here when you return, Mr. Malfoy,"_

_"No!" he might have been horrified at the way his voice broke, but Malfoy pride was a lost to him. He didn't know if he _wanted_ to find it, but he did know he _couldn't_. "I can't go or he'll leave me. He'll leave me and go..." 'Go somewhere I can't follow,' he finished silently._

_The Headmaster of Hogwarts was quiet for a moment. Accepting. "Have you let the Healers look at your hand at least?" _

_Draco shook his head mutely. They'd tried, though. Hard. Only when he went into a hysterical rage, lashing out at one nurse who'd tried to sedate him with wandless magic, had they backed off and let him be. He hardly even felt the pain in his hand anymore. Merely a dull throbbing that was easily ignorable._

_"I'll send someone in to do so, then"_

_Draco nodded, and there was a brief squeeze at his shoulder. Then he felt Dumbledore's presence leave the room._

_"See that?" he choked out with a watery smile. "Wake up, Harry, because I'm no good without you. I can't even take care of myself properly."_

Wish I never would've said it's over

_"You wanted to see me?"_

_"It's over Harry,"_

_Harry's eyes darkened for a second before they brightened. "I know! Isn't it exciting? I can hardly believe it. We've been here so long and now we're leaving,"_

_Draco stared. Harry was standing there with that goofy expression on his face, chattering on about what he was going to do when they got out of school. 'Is it possible he purposely misunderstood?'_

_"I meant--"_

_"Are you packing? I should probably start doing that, so I can be sure not to forget anything. Maybe we can--"_

_"It's _over_ Harry. It's over between us. There is no 'we' anymore. Father is coming to retrieve me this afternoon." He thought for a second, and decided he owed the boy at least something. "I'll be initiated this weekend."_

_Harry looked at him with big eyes, amplified further by his glasses, then slowly began to shake his head. "What do you mean?" he whispered._

And I can't pretend I won't think about you when I'm older  
Cause we never really had our closure  
This can't be the end

_"He's not breathing!" Draco shouted as the alarms went off all down the ward. Someone tried to pull him away from the bed, but he fought like a wild thing. He pulled his wand out as he finally shook off the person._

_"Ennervate!" he screamed, pointing his wand at the still form._

_"Somebody get his wand!"_

_"Ennervate! Ennervate, you son of a bitch! WAKE THE FUCK UP!"_

_"Stupefy!"_

_Everything went dark--dark as death. _

_Dark as despair._

_'Harry!'_

I really miss your hair in my face

_He staggered into the hospital wing, clutching his side but otherwise alright, and spied the person he wanted to see immediately. He was yelling at the Headmaster ferociously. "Harry!" he said as loudly as his hoarse voice would allow._

_Within seconds he had an armful of Boy-Who-Lived as said boy tried to both strangle him with his embrace and crush his torso with his legs._

_"Oh, god Draco, no one knew where you were. I thought--" Harry's face was buried in his shoulder, but Draco understood well enough._

_"Shh, it's alright, love. I'm fine,"_

_Distantly, he was aware of the stares he was receiving from the other members of the Order, but right then, with Harry in his arms and clinging to him like a lifeline...he really couldn't be bothered to give a damn._

_"I'm fine," he murmured again and turned his face into the dark hair, inhaling deeply. Merlin, he'd missed the scent of his lover._

_"I'm glad," came the nearly inaudible whisper as the embrace tightened again._

_Draco decided he could handle being crushed for a little while longer._

And the way your innocence tastes

_"What do you want to do when you get out of school?"_

_Draco started from his pleasanly inane thoughts of Harry's hair, which he'd begun stroking after that last bout of amazing sex. Then he frowned. "Why?" This wasn't following their normal pattern of silent basking._

_Harry was laying half on him, with his head pillowed on Draco's chest. His hand, which was drawing absent circles in the skin near it stilled momentarily before continuing. He shrugged, not looking up. "I was just wondering."_

_"I'm a Malfoy. I don't have to do anything," 'Other than join a Dark Lord to live up to my father's expectations,' If the tone of the thought was slightly bitter he ignored it. "What about you?"_

_Harry shrugged again. _

_"I guess I haven't really thought about it too much, but..."_

_Draco kicked himself for asking, but curiosity got the better of him, "But?"_

_"I think I might like to be a healer. Y'know, when the War is over. I'm so tired of hurting people. It'd be nice to help them for a change." His voice was so achingly wistful that Draco couldn't keep himself from wrapping his arm more securely around the slight frame, hating his own inability to resist this boy but helpless to stop it._

_"I wish things were different," Draco nearly didn't hear. _

_He wished he hadn't._

_'Innocent wishes have no place in a war,' said a voice that sounded a lot like his father._

_It didn't keep him from hoping with all his heart that Harry would have a chance to be a healer._

_But it kept him from saying so._

And I think you should know this

_"I'm a prat and a git and a bastard and every other foul name you've ever called me. I can admit it. I'm selfish. I take too much and give too little. I'm hateful. I'm a coward, because I don't want to face life without you. I _can't_ do it. So I'm warning you--you better come back to me if you don't want me to have a miserable life. If you die I'll hate you and curse you and never ever be happy and it'll be _your_ fault,"_

_Draco rested his head on the side of the bed. His threats weren't working. Just like his pleas didn't work, nor did his tears or his rage. Nothing was working. Maybe he wasn't strong enough to bring him back._

_"You're such a liar, Potter. You said you loved me enough to save me. Well it doesn't matter if you're not here to _show_ me, now does it?" 'Please,'_

_"You're just a stupid sod who doesn't keep his promises. I don't know why I want you to wake up so badly. Stay asleep then. See if I care," 'I know... You think I don't know?'_

"You deserve much better than me."

_"Draco...?" a soft moan of pain, but it was sound where there'd been none since he'd fallen into this coma. Draco gasped and looked up into the bright green eyes he'd missed these past weeks._

_'I love you anyway.'_

_"Harry!" Draco lunged at the body on the bed, ignoring the gasp of surprise and probably pain. He was too overwhelmed to be careful just then._

_'And the devil himself will have a time trying to get me away from you.'_

And so that's it. _constructive_ criticism is welcome, but go easy on me, yeah?


End file.
